The Darwin Awards – the annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Confirmed True by Darwin
Dead On Valentines Day
“He who cannot put his thoughts on ice should not enter into the heat of dispute.” -Friedrich Nietzsche
(14 February 2018, Berlin) A 19-year-old and his soon-to-be-ex were walking along the beautiful Havel River, quarreling. Unable to win his conversational point, the frustrated man suddenly shoved the woman into the icy river, jumping in to push her under again and again!
But she could swim. He could not…
She swam safely to land and quickly recovered from hypothermia. He sank and lost consciousness in the 2°C waters, forever forgetting the quarrel, and was pulled out by water police and transported to Charité Virchow Clinic in Berlin. The attacker fell into a carceral coma, and an arrest warrant was issued against him for “attempted homicide for low motives” (in German, “Versuchten Heimtückemordes aus niederen Beweggründen.”)
The crime was committed on December 19th, and the perpetrator died on February 14th–an ironic date indeed–from irreversible brain damage.
Usually no Darwin Award is granted when an innocent bystander is injured. In this case we make a rare exception, because the woman fully recovered (and is perforce better off without this madman) while the diabolical and drowned deed-doer was Darwinian-dumb.
2018 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin
28 January 2018, Selangor Malaysia) Zaim Kosnan spotted a twelve-foot reticulated python dozing on the side of the road. “That sizeable snake is worth money!” The 35-year-old prepared for this windfall with gloves and a sickle.
Sweet success! Swiftly was the first round won, and triumphantly Zaim held the reptile’s head high as he transported it home by motorbike. Picture that crazy scene.
Swinging in the air, the displeased captive made a counter-move and wrapped its body round and round its captor, constricting in self-defense. Zaim swerved off the road and the results of Round Two became apparent to passers-by the next morning. They killed The 3.5 meter snake to free the man’s body, and a post-mortem confirmed his death by strangulation.
Zaim Khalis was described as a quiet person who kept to himself.
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off – actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra “push” for taking off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately three miles from the crash site.
This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within five seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tyres and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The car then become airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and hit the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater three feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground-speed of approximately 420 mph.
Have a fabulous weekend!