“Dear Jesus,” he wrote, “If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will not fight with my brother Hank for a year.” Then Johnny thought, ‘Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise.’ So Johnny threw away the letter and wrote another one.
“Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year.” Then Johnny thought, ‘Oh, no, that means spinach and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.’
Then Johnny had an idea. He threw away the paper and went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family’s statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers then stuffed the newspapers into a grocery bag.
He took the package upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the whole works in the farthest, darkest corner. Then he closed the closet door tightly, took a new sheet of paper and wrote: “Dear Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…”
Day One: Dearest Bob, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a peartree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Violet
Day Two: Dearest Bob, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two turtle doves!! I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable. My everlasting love, Violet
Day Three: My Dear Bob, Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist-you’ve been too, too kind. All my love, Violet
Day Four: Dear Bob, Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE beautiful. But don’t you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic. Love, Violet
Day Five: Dear Bob, What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings. One for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on my nerves. Affectionately, Violet
Day Six: Bob, Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you’re back on the birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, rightfully so, and it is impossible to sleep through this racket. Now let this be the end of this. Cordially, Violet
Day Seven: Bob, What the hell’s with you and these damn birds?!? Seven swans-a-swimming? What kind of damn joke is this? There’s bird crap all over the house and they never stop with the racket. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy. Sincerely, Violet
Day Eight: OK Pal ! ! WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING? I THINK I PREFER THE DAMN BIRDS! THE IDIOT MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR STUPID COWS. THERE IS COW POOP ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD POOP ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET. JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMART ASS.
Day Nine: LISTEN DIRT BAG! YOU’RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW POOP. THIS AFTER CHASING THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE DAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME. UP YOURS !!!
Day Ten: YOU ROTTEN JERK! NOW THERE’S TEN LADIES DANCING. NOW THE STUPID COWS CAN’T SLEEP AND THEY’VE GOT DIARRHEA! THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN’T BE CONDEMNED. I’M CALLING THE POLICE !! I MEAN IT!
DAY ELEVEN: LISTEN SLIME BALL! NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING BEING BASHED BY NINE PIPERS WITH THEIR PIPES FOR TEN MILKING MAIDS!!! BY THE WAY. THE 60 MINUTES CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV. FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE DAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE BATTLE. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I’LL GET YOU !!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE! MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN
DAY TWELVE: LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O’REILLY Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Monica Habershan. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight! With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.