A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a talking centipede. It had a hundred legs and came in a little white box it could use for its house.
He took the box back home and found a good spot for it, deciding he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.”
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit. He waited a few minutes and then asked again. “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face against the centipede’s house and shouted-
“HEY IN THERE ! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN ABOUT GOD?”
This time a little voice came out of the box. “I heard you the first time! I’m putting my shoes on!”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”
A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, “I’m here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck.” The man says “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?” The animal control employee says, “Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog.”
Laugh till you cry – it clears the air (me)