Wicked weekend jokes

Wicked humour
SOME NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT HUMOUR 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year’s Riots….Your One Year Manufacturer’s Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY” I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY” And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.Both in hospital…one’s in a korma.. The other’s got a dodgy tikka!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD? ‘Granny replies, f*** your pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? ‘Hubby looks her up and down and replies, ‘Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass.  About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,     ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’  He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid’.

lexophile

LEXOPHILIA – WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? 

A lexophile of course!

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

🙂      😛     🙂

 

Have a great weekend !  Raili Tanska   😀

Images – Pixabay

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