Christmas Funnies

christmas-tree-paper

I just had to do it!  Here’s a bunch of Christmas jokes – Ho ho ho, and a Merry Christmas …..

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were talking when they all noticed a $5 bill on the floor. Who picked it up?

Santa of course, the other two don’t exist!

Meanwhile in Mexico

It’s a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, “Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.”

Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!” said Rosita.

Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Pedro begged.

“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.” replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, “OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu.”

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang…..

“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”

(In Memory Of Jess Gonzalez)

christmas-snowman

10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus

  1. There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
  2. No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
  3. Buy one big brown belt and you’d be accessorized for life.
  4. You’d always work in sensible footwear.
  5. You’d never be expected to make the coffee.
  6. There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
  7. Juggling work and family would be easy.  All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
  8. You’d never take the wrong coat on your way home.
  9. You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
  10. No one would ask to see your job description.

christmas-star

Mistletoe 

Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl.  In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy.  Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section.  ‘How much is this gold tinsel garland’.

The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, ‘This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre’.

‘Wow, that’s great’, said Jennifer, ‘I’ll take 12 metres’.

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, ‘My Grandpa will settle the bill.’

carols-11Christmas Turkey

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

‘No, madam, ‘he replied, ‘they’re all dead.’

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Crafty Cockney 

Marge lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Xmas shopping in Regent Street, London.

A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Marge reasoned, ‘Hmmm…. that’s strange.  When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it. Now there are four £5 notes.’

The boy quickly replied with a charming smile and in a cockney accent, ‘That’s right, madam. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.’

 

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Angels

Mindy aged 8.  ‘I only know the names of one angel, he’s called Herald.’  Mommy sings to me the Christmas Carol:
Hark! The Herald angel sings.

Peter aged 7.  ‘Angels don’t eat much, but they drink a lot of milk from Holy Cows.’

Bert aged 25.  ‘My wife’s an angel’.
Don aged 57.  ‘Your lucky, mine is still alive’

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Out of the Mouths…

Daniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.

He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.

Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, ‘I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three blokes on camels had to deliver all the toys.  And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around’.

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A Funny Christmas Carol

Samantha decided to go carol singing on Christmas Eve.  She knocked on the door of a house and began to sing.

A man, holding a clarinet, opened the door to the house.  In a few seconds tears were streaming down his face.

Samantha continued singing for at least a further 20 minutes.  She sang every carol she knew. At last she stopped. ‘I understand,’ she said softly. ‘You are remembering your happy childhood Christmas days. You really are extremely sentimental.’

Choking back the tears the man answered between sobs, ‘No……….I’m a musician.’

 

Raili Tanska

Images – all proudly crafted by moi

Reference:

http://www.guy-sports.com/

 

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22 thoughts on “Christmas Funnies

  1. Dear Soul Gifts, or whatever your name is, I am none other than Detective Tony Pastry of New Scotland Yard. My informant has told me that you are the Red Herring, the notorious art thief. And my informant is very reliable: He recently sold me the Moon for £500 and a pint of mild. He’s very big in NASA, you know. He has also informed me that the Pink Panther films are not fictitious but are in fact a series of documentaries about a real Inspector Clouseau. Since then I have modelled my entire career on Clouseau’s achievements and it has not been easy, I can tell you. If you do not immediately hand yourself in at the nearest police station, I will have to come and put you under arrest.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear uapsnu, or whatever your name is – oh, I see it is Tony Pastry. I do believe your informant has led you up the proverbial garden path. Anyone who sells (and dare I say, buys) the moon for such a trifling sum immediately falls under a cloud of suspicion. Need I say more?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Red Herring, my informant is not mistaken. He is of the highest calibre. Through his contacts in the Louvre, he was able to procure me exclusive ownership of the Mona Lisa, for a small service charge, and when I next visit Paris I intend to collect it. And then we will see who is mistaken!

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      1. Dear Red Herring, I assure you I have not been duped! I am in fact the cleverest detective in New Scotland Yard. I am also the author of a book called ‘How to Train your Goldfish to put the Cat out Last Thing at Night’. My informant supplied numerous goldfish from his pet shop during my research for this book. How many books on pet training have you written, I wonder!

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