I just had to do it! Here’s a bunch of Christmas jokes – Ho ho ho, and a Merry Christmas …..
An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were talking when they all noticed a $5 bill on the floor. Who picked it up?
Santa of course, the other two don’t exist!
Meanwhile in Mexico
It’s a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, “Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.”
Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!” said Rosita.
Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Pedro begged.
“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.” replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, “OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu.”
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang…..
“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”
(In Memory Of Jess Gonzalez)
10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus
- There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
- No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
- Buy one big brown belt and you’d be accessorized for life.
- You’d always work in sensible footwear.
- You’d never be expected to make the coffee.
- There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
- Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
- You’d never take the wrong coat on your way home.
- You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
- No one would ask to see your job description.
Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. ‘How much is this gold tinsel garland’.
The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, ‘This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre’.
‘Wow, that’s great’, said Jennifer, ‘I’ll take 12 metres’.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, ‘My Grandpa will settle the bill.’
It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.
In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
‘No, madam, ‘he replied, ‘they’re all dead.’
Marge lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Xmas shopping in Regent Street, London.
A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Marge reasoned, ‘Hmmm…. that’s strange. When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it. Now there are four £5 notes.’
The boy quickly replied with a charming smile and in a cockney accent, ‘That’s right, madam. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.’
Mindy aged 8. ‘I only know the names of one angel, he’s called Herald.’ Mommy sings to me the Christmas Carol:
Hark! The Herald angel sings.
Peter aged 7. ‘Angels don’t eat much, but they drink a lot of milk from Holy Cows.’
Bert aged 25. ‘My wife’s an angel’.
Don aged 57. ‘Your lucky, mine is still alive’
Out of the Mouths…
Daniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.
He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.
Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, ‘I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three blokes on camels had to deliver all the toys. And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around’.
A Funny Christmas Carol
Samantha decided to go carol singing on Christmas Eve. She knocked on the door of a house and began to sing.
A man, holding a clarinet, opened the door to the house. In a few seconds tears were streaming down his face.
Samantha continued singing for at least a further 20 minutes. She sang every carol she knew. At last she stopped. ‘I understand,’ she said softly. ‘You are remembering your happy childhood Christmas days. You really are extremely sentimental.’
Choking back the tears the man answered between sobs, ‘No……….I’m a musician.’
Images – all proudly crafted by moi