It was entertainment night at the senior citizen’s center. After the community sing-a-long led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show – Claude the hypnotist. Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. “Yes, each and everyone of you and all at the same time,” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his coat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. “I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,” said Claude holding it high for all to see. “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting ” Watch the watch – watch the watch – watch the watch…” They were all hypnotised. And then suddenly the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
“SHIT!” said Claude
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizen Centre. Claude was never invited there again.
A Bad Day
Saint Peter was seeing all the new arrivals trying to go through the Pearly Gates to Heaven.
The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower. It was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the bugger clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so mad that I bashed his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but some awnings and bushes broke his fall. On seeing he was still alive I found some super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a heart attack and died.”
Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. “I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the air-conditioning equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came running out of there and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way by couldn’t and was hit and killed.”
Saint Peter couldn’t help but chuckle as he directed the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered, He apologised and said ” I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”
“I don’t know about that,” replies the man. “Picture this, I’m stark naked, hiding in this antique cedar chest…”