Today has been a day of handyman jobs and shopping. For your midweek entertainment, allow me to present you with a selection of the finest on offer this week :
He’s a cheat
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It’s so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, play golf, cruise around and shoot ball with his buddies, while I work so hard to pay our bills. Since our daughter went away to college and then got married, he doesn’t even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Grow up and dump him.
You don’t need him anymore!
Good grief woman, you’re running for President of the United States!
Female Medical Examination
During the medical examination of a female patient, the British doctor says “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor –
“No, no! Just stick out your tongue. ”
Not Donald again
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, ‘You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $1000.
The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, ‘Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $1000.
The American diplomats reply, ‘Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take the risk.’
A guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’ The next day someone stole it!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction was north because he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff……’
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.”
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
Dumb as a box of Rocks – TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi(Speaker of the United States House of Representatives)happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
‘Would you mind telling me, Doctor,’ she asked, ‘how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?’
‘Nothing is easier,’ he replied. ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.’
‘What sort of question?’ asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?”
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.’
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a seat belt!!! You can’t fix stupid.