soulgifts – Telling Tales

Warning – adult themes.

It’s the start of the weekend.

This will put a smile on your dial! 

 

 

RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
‘From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.’
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to ‘drop ’em,’ which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back. “Dear Lord!”, he suddenly exclaimed, ”Where are your testicles?”
The old Chief calmly replied, ” Vietnam ”.

 

IRISH DOCTOR

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work, so he approached his assistant.

“Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me  patients”.

“Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: “So, Murphy, how was your day?”

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.”

“Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir” says Murphy.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her knickers and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!  For five years I have not seen a man!’

“Tunderin’ lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.”And sent her to Spec savers.

 

FLIES

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

“What are you doing ?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he replied.

“Oh, killed any?” she said.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” came the answer

Intrigued, the wife asked “How can you tell them apart?”

Husband  “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

 

I’ve saved the best for last:

Stupid Question, Excellent Answer

General Sir Peter Cosgrove is a retired senior Australian army officer and the 26th and current Governor-General of Australia. He was sworn in on the 28th March 2014 and made a Knight of the Order of Australia on the same day.

General Cosgrove was interviewed on TV by Leigh Sales from the ABC. He was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters. This is a portion of the interview.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you  feel about guns you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.