* Warning: contains naughty language and sex *
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.
There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted
Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon
” Fuck off “, she said, ” they’re for the funeral ”
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
I’m sorry, says the pharmacist, We don’t have any.
But I always buy it here, says the blonde.
Do you have the container that it came in? asks the pharmacist.
Yes, said the blonde, I’ll go home and get it.
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container…
(Are you ready for this one ?!)
TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only
be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die,
and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay
him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS…………………
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up
with his answer. He simply answered: ‘I would give the car keys to my old
friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and
wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.’
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to ‘Think Outside of the Box.’
HOWEVER….., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out
of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car,
then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings !
Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”
2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”
8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?”